Author: asianjasmineyoga

its been over 25 years since my memory back and forth. And i decided the last few years to write up my experience. As i remember it, not more more likely less as getting older, my memory fading quicker than i would like to remember. At the same way tho, i am happy i am finally able to learn to forget, no, not forgiving as it seems, who am i anyway have so much pride thinking it is in my power to forgive. I myself sometime can not forgive myself. Let alone forgiving others.

Not much i remember from that day when i was crying in the school playground with throbbing genitalia and bleeding underpants, while i was rubbing my eyes barely able to think between my tears and chestache and throat that felt as if i swalowed a tennis ball, and refused to be touched or talk to anyone anymore until my mum in her brown folded skirt came and shout to the people on top of her voice. I just said “i wanna go home, i wanna go home”

then we scoot off in her old yamaha scooter, to the peditricion i normally see, and my chest started again unable to speak.

but before that, children pushed me on the wooden slides.m, step on my hands while i was hanging on the monkey bars while they climbing up and stomped on my fingers, and the pushed on the swing that the wooden swing swung back on my head. Again, i wasnt able to speak. but i am used to that. used to being bully of not sure what was qrong with me. perhaps i climbed so fast to the too of the slides that overrun everyone. perhaps i was swinging so quickly like a monkey between monkey bar. perhaps i swung so highly as daredavis nearly as high as the top pole they pushed me. perhaps…

but it was continue until slightly after. the hiding of my stationary. the pull of the chair that i sat on the floor. or when my teacher called me for the year 6 to tell the entire classes of the capital town on each places on the map when i was year 4. And were asked whether i would like to sat and join exam with the entire of year 6. Oh – i was already skip a grade by then. And i didnt like the way the entire classroom looking at me, so I said to the teacher “no sir, please can i get back to my classroom and to my friends?” That day my classmates played kasti or similar to baseball game at the shared playing field with a accounting high school and teaching high school. He nodded his head, so i straight went out with my pe kits (i wasnt even in my normal school uniform when my geography teacher asked me to showed in the unmarked map where were the capital towns of each 27 provinces of indoneaia and the neighbouring asean)

Funnily loads of people whom did it to me were female, and few loud male and obviously very smart and intelligent male. I learned from my journey to see human person to person, not their batches not anything else.

nowadays after i was suspected to might have ms – with bones issues and fibromyalgia and neurondysorder and stomach issues, and copd asthma for over 2 decades, getting bullies or watching others being bullied are so draining. It often times makes my stomach vomit which by now know which vomiting are physiological and which vomiting psychological reaction.

later also i knew from psychology of the people with diffentciation – bullies whose doing it repeatedly are pathological – and tend to by the end violated others with or without violance.

when i was older, and i realised many time i missed schools where my paediatrician said mostly all the time “overtired” which now i knew was burnt out, once i considered as strange. why only me felt overtired – while the entire school doing the same course of works, the same pe, the same exams. despite their efforts outside the school, how many hours they spent on studying, how many hours i use to keeping up, and work towards, why its different.

then when i was 14-15 i was told to tell my class teacher i had to tell them i had to rest every 120 minutes, cooling off my sensory, taking a break on my own – can be to library, running around my self etc, for 15 minutes. can i do it? he asked. i said i’ll try. but i actualy never told them. the year after i had to be hospitalised, again, which meant i missed another 7 days off school at least. then he sent letter had to hand over to my class teacher. then to headmaster. then everything changes, but yet the same.

Later on in life i learned through the 98 movement, bullies also structurised and systematical, can be resurfaced as those in uniforms or not, those serving as civil servants or not, and needs only a little bit of gaslighting to make a combustion. these, are the worst yet the most succesful of the most strategic bullies leadership. Unfortunately as soon as we normalised it, it is then rooting generation into generation to make a point of how these way had been succesful to reach each goals.

how not to?

i dont know. i am just an observer, remember? i am the insignificant non verbal and often to be called “too sick to continue the entire examl – “too ifnorant and not so clever to understand everything.” But i know genuine froendships, and i learned some of my good friends are the louds one whi speak up before i understand what was going on or before i was able to compose my words to defend myself or those who stopped them to even get close to me.

i also learned some with uniforms also stand uo against the same things we were fighting for, as well as those in the system. So why its so the same recently in england and in Indonesia, where did i do wrong after so ling manage to hid myself between the mundane things and enjoying dojng ligtle things between the big insignificantly significant things?

i dont know.

They never found who raped me.

i still remember what he did.

It is another name for an ancient tribal usage of cocoa for certain ceremonies, that most of the time to induce feeling of compassion if not sexual love. But it is beyond the superficial love. Well at least that is what I think.

The content of cocoa – as you know, including certain chemicals that hits the high notes of your brain excretion to induce feeling good, I forgot what’s the name. Similar to after having sex, if you had been having sex before, and if you under age, well you might have to leave this page for now 😊

Or similar but not so similar to after workout. More similar to when you are cuddling with your pets or family, around friends you likes, or tending your plants, or doing your hobbies that does not connected to having sweat, except having sex 😊 which most of people I knew said involved with having sweating. 

Well, see where I see the character of cocoa powder, which similarly but different than coffee. Coffee give a punch, and a rest, and a punch again to hit straight to the point of the high tint notes on the brain, make everything clear, and then gave a crates after to relax. It’s slightly different, but yet the same. 

So when someone offered me for tea ceremonies, or coffee ceremonies, or cocoa ceremonies, it is having some sense of ritual, of the respect to the growers, the tenders, the keepers of these knowledges to still alive until now. So hence when – I love Bali so much, but yet in that particular moment of patcha mama ceremonies, wrapped so touristy with flashy place flashy parties, and I feel I lost the essence of the ceremonial the actual character of itself. Instead it becomes the speed dating test – if you feel you like after taking a sip of your matcha mama to straight to look into the eyes of the person next to you, then said your name and maybe touch each other” – next round “take a sip and mingle again and stop, touch someone next to you and if you start feeling it you can touch the person, kissed them or…” – then I leave the room.

Patcha mama is perhaps can be felt for such things, perhaps it is to some extend. But why I feel offended? Of the way it was used, as if it pulled out of the essence to the marketing gimmick? Or perhaps not, it was what other people want, but using different …

I am sorry – I don’t know what or how to say – 

Now I wrote these as I do not know my children are, and I would like my children here but since I don’t have it should I use the patch mama instant to find anyone closest to me and just grab it in the next few second? Well, the is how the rudest thing I could explained how it feel. Again, I am just a crude person, apologise.

My name is Iir, I am a linguist, educational psychologist, and yoga teacher. I had been a self employed since I was 22. registered under my name as the umbrella activities. This is a brief note on regard of being a translator.

I had stumble into a sensitive notes way too young before I was able to understand what it might have had been or having implication to my long term life on earth. It was on the difficult time of changes time of presidency in 1997-1999 I had been translating for a scribble about molotov bomb which were put into my book borrowed from university library. The person I was talking to and asked me to translate it, as I had been telling him about the scribble I found, were now had been passed away. But that is not the point of this writing but rather a kind of gist to other translator/interpreter if when they did not fully comprehend the extend of what possibly the ‘hazards’ of the job 🙂 if any.

there are one of the most are, the risk of possible stumble into documents or statements you were not comprehend fully that time but later on when you have much more flying hours to documents or people or files, or which were comprehend by other people whom much more informed or and understand about the matters. In those moment, don’t hold your breath. Just pretend you still know nothing 🙂

second, know that to some extend, when the work become formalized rather than the “casual translating” – it could come without saying the security clearance needed and follow up until the case is close. it meant – does not necessarily police but can be higher clearance needed ro access or to do anything to any details of work. in one of the sitting lecture i managed to attend used to be said – it comes without saying once you agreed assumed you already know the pro and con of the task, and hence amongs others are…

last, when you stumble into some strange content especially one that make your sromach churn, to do something straight away. when iw as offered #appen from Linkedin for translation job and linked to their app, i refused to download their app but use the site instead. appen offered me many jobs project in which started building up in my dashboard, but nothing actually materialised that gave me any actual work hence get oaid from. one day they offered me meekong and morningstar project, and another project.

in the ofher project it said i have to learn my material before the exam. the material sent were random files from pictures, audi, written information of clips news, books, audio files, pieces of conversation etc etc. i then scrolled of those pages and pages until i stumble into a picture with bckground of language i knew.

not far after i found coordinate of place i seem to know. but it was not written as notrmal coordinate. i found at least three of them the same similiar. i googled it and found tugu tani, bunderan HI and cikini.
triangulate it, i then open US embassy page all night, signed out appen and never get back online with that account ever again since.

several #notes to #babadtanahjawi is the existance of the mighty weapon hold by the mighty people that in the wrong hand brought its own curses. i guess like every things in this world, around that era what so important believed to be carrying its own pamor (stealth/strenth) in its own creation.

as babad tanah jawi were created in the name of the mataram islam reaching toward the java from previous encounter with semenanjung malaka (malaca peninsula) and went firther into ternate and tidore – the existance of the books and its story believed carrying its own weight and pamor.

two of the famous weapon, other than other weapons often mentioned in the scripture that often followed by those “ancient weapon hubter” or collector both inside and outside of the archipelago. the exostance of it, despite known or not, if not disapeared are now on the holdong of the kasultanan palaces acrsoo java, more likely in the Amangkurat, Pakubuwono or Hamengkubowono.

Raden Mas Kober or what famous as Setan Kober hold by its owner as the fastest weapon ever able to be used by its owner as it os looked like a fire flicker in the wind. the Mpu Gandring kris created for the king of that era – tungguk ameting were used to killed the maker, married his daughter, then being killed by other man and in between the sons of these two men killing each other, before cooled down with the Mojopahit and its story.

of course its not only it is – however it is also known the sunan kalijaga whose called lemah abang can bend the weapon by his hand and as a stratrgic leader. despite the disputes what created him being beheaded with pangeran Jipang (jipang prince) – it was told he was not put any fight when he was told he would be beheaded.

on the #note of #banadtanahjawi and #localfolklore

thanks for #cambridge #unitedkingdom and everyone of you for the last 8 years to make me hnderstand what level of human i am

2004 new year eve, i was in Japan when the telephone rang. my husband in that time were a diplomatic corps interns.

he woke me up

“wake up!”

“what? what time is it?”

“just passed 3am”

it was winter. my first winter. ever in life.

“hurry up, we need to get to the consulate as soon as possible!”

“why?”

“i need to work! they called me for work. emergency.”

what moved us from central java to capitol of jakarta were the Sari Club bomb attacked. Me and him were on the list for teaching in some embassies, for him whise grew up in US. me, just the australian who insisted i had to be on the list. as well as the NZ.

“why?” i said while trying to heat up the little electric heater of the smallest flat i ever live in the middle of osaka.

“there is a tsunami!”

“eh what?!? here?!?”

“no! in Indonesia! we have to go to consulate to help prepare the statement! all the diplomatic corps had to logged into.”

there were were, the big tv showed the wave folded through the shores bigger than the biggest mosque of aceh. Him, working behind the desk answering phone speaking in japanese while i was sat there thinking, i am not even able to speak Japanese what am i doing here?

we went through massive and massive several different functions after, before i decided to went back to Indonesia.

I divorced him less than a year after, which i had never planned to put it in public until my ex husband from British put his name on to the court evidence statement which for life able to be accessed by anyone, including my children.

i divorced him after as i had not able to tell him between those Jakarta – Bali -Osaka – Bali – Jakarta that our first sexual encounter at one of the Australian diplomats were sexual assault.

only after one of my astrolasia female friend insisted that after each word of no or gesture of no, each movement of sexual attempt can be treated as sexual assault.

i didnt say that to him. we managed to find a common ground and i tried not to dig anything anymore about that or speak to anyone anything. until the family court of 2019 i saw my 2nd ex husband used him to discredit me using that i would always use sexual harassmentand sexual assault as my prerogative to discriminate male.

now i have to explained to the world in case at some point my children would be able to access the story of the court.

[on the foot note:

you know how difficult diplomats to divorce as muslim in Indonesia especially as a woman?

1. i had to wrote the letter directly to the head of the department of foreign affairs stating that our marriage were not able to be amended anymore.
2. i had to agree to return the dowry
3. i had to agree wouldnt received any maintenance
4. oh well – doesnt matter – the british ex husband even put me to court drained my money that i had never received a penny and refused to give me any maintenance except allowed me to in the house. [oh hello?!? just a babe! no two babes – hmm 10 years not a penny?] never mind the neighbourhood and the Chinese community that once in a while pop into my internet screen had known anyway how to pop in when i am not aware of.] thanks for the help from everyone anyway.

(no yoga class at st Andrew’s church taught by me)

“Tega kuwo saking tigo kata, Tegel ting Lara ing Raga” begitu katanya sambil menulis satu-satu huruf2 arab yang aku nggak tahu “kalau itu buat apa?” “kabeh aksara dudu disuaraake. ting rumangsa suarane ning ati ora kabeh2 ning rai” sambil satu-satu kutulis yang ditulisnya. “ojo cilik cilik ra iso kewacan sak telapak tangan wae nggo uji aksara” “eh?” – tanyaku “kuwi, karakter aksara ono suarane nek kabeh kanggo harakate – hakikate disemaati karo aksarane. nek ora, sidane wacanane dudu kewacan wacanane” “ha??” tanyaku lagi “Honocoroko” – salin [lega kuwo saking lerenane ego saking rogo. ning tibane dadi Legawa]

Continue reading “word derivation – a poem in three languages” →

“Dijual Cepat”, “Dijamin Nikmat!”
“Sekali Kumur”, “Dijamin Manndjur!”
“Memek kepingsut”, “Memek ditonggo!”
“Yakin sak senggolan langsung kepingsut!”
“Memek di seberang langsung gak kepalang!”
“Kliyeng-kliyeng”, “gliyeng-gliyeng”, “dijamin sak rancepan langsung tokcer!”

[baliho dan iklan bertebar di mana-mana
satu aku terima dari truk besar persimpangan mampang
dari si raja singa sampe ketok majik sampai
iklan mak erot dan mak irit]

Dijual serba ada serba bisa
Dari obat pembuat otot sampe pencahar otot
Dari celana anti bocor menstruasi sampai
obat anti hamil keesokan pagi
(jadi bisa kerep ndulang enaknya tanpa ribet
tanggung jawabnya – kata si iklan – “iki opo!”
pikirku – ngantinra iso ambegan
knalpot truknya benuh asap hitam)
Dari nggoyang dombret sampe goyang dompet
Dari ilat ngiler sampe ilat puyeng
dari sakit puyeng sampe sakit nggayeng

Sampe sex sehari saja – silahkan mbak mas ditarik! mang!!
eh jangan salah gak ada germonya! yang ini mah
bukan perek namanya!
definisnya! PSK itu pake transaksi uang!
Germo mah jaminan sekuritas aja gitu loh!

yah kalo gada transaksi uang, gak ada bukingan kan!
germo tidak diperlukan dan saya mah – lanjut mbak dan mas2nya
suka sama suka sahaja (sambil nyengir)

untuk sekali saja ato dua kali ato berkali2
yah atur aja! orang suka sama suka!

“pasangan orang lain lagi” yang lain lanjut sambil nimpuk
yah kalo mereka emang nyarinya
asik tiga dimensi! masak gue alergi

urusan besok ya uruan nanti
kan ada pil ajaib anto hamil
toh bisa cek hiv apa kagak

toh…
toh…

(aku garuk2 kepala
pembicaraan siang di dekat truk ditilang
karena asap hitam! mas gak bisa masuk
lewat sini langsung ke tol aja!
sampe penjual es kehabisan air
buat cuci gelasnya)

aku bersin gak ada habis2nya.

19 May 2025 – ditulis iir jam 10 malam di cambridge united kingdom

World Adverts

“quick buy!” “guaranteed cum”

“once mouthwashed” “guaranteed success”

“vaginally in love” “nextdoir vagina?”

“for sure one touched! straight away oh my!”

“your vaginal love at the other side? she wouldnt resist!”

“spinnung spinning” “dizzy dizzy”