its been over 25 years since my memory back and forth. And i decided the last few years to write up my experience. As i remember it, not more more likely less as getting older, my memory fading quicker than i would like to remember. At the same way tho, i am happy i am finally able to learn to forget, no, not forgiving as it seems, who am i anyway have so much pride thinking it is in my power to forgive. I myself sometime can not forgive myself. Let alone forgiving others.
Not much i remember from that day when i was crying in the school playground with throbbing genitalia and bleeding underpants, while i was rubbing my eyes barely able to think between my tears and chestache and throat that felt as if i swalowed a tennis ball, and refused to be touched or talk to anyone anymore until my mum in her brown folded skirt came and shout to the people on top of her voice. I just said “i wanna go home, i wanna go home”
then we scoot off in her old yamaha scooter, to the peditricion i normally see, and my chest started again unable to speak.
but before that, children pushed me on the wooden slides.m, step on my hands while i was hanging on the monkey bars while they climbing up and stomped on my fingers, and the pushed on the swing that the wooden swing swung back on my head. Again, i wasnt able to speak. but i am used to that. used to being bully of not sure what was qrong with me. perhaps i climbed so fast to the too of the slides that overrun everyone. perhaps i was swinging so quickly like a monkey between monkey bar. perhaps i swung so highly as daredavis nearly as high as the top pole they pushed me. perhaps…
but it was continue until slightly after. the hiding of my stationary. the pull of the chair that i sat on the floor. or when my teacher called me for the year 6 to tell the entire classes of the capital town on each places on the map when i was year 4. And were asked whether i would like to sat and join exam with the entire of year 6. Oh – i was already skip a grade by then. And i didnt like the way the entire classroom looking at me, so I said to the teacher “no sir, please can i get back to my classroom and to my friends?” That day my classmates played kasti or similar to baseball game at the shared playing field with a accounting high school and teaching high school. He nodded his head, so i straight went out with my pe kits (i wasnt even in my normal school uniform when my geography teacher asked me to showed in the unmarked map where were the capital towns of each 27 provinces of indoneaia and the neighbouring asean)
Funnily loads of people whom did it to me were female, and few loud male and obviously very smart and intelligent male. I learned from my journey to see human person to person, not their batches not anything else.
nowadays after i was suspected to might have ms – with bones issues and fibromyalgia and neurondysorder and stomach issues, and copd asthma for over 2 decades, getting bullies or watching others being bullied are so draining. It often times makes my stomach vomit which by now know which vomiting are physiological and which vomiting psychological reaction.
later also i knew from psychology of the people with diffentciation – bullies whose doing it repeatedly are pathological – and tend to by the end violated others with or without violance.
when i was older, and i realised many time i missed schools where my paediatrician said mostly all the time “overtired” which now i knew was burnt out, once i considered as strange. why only me felt overtired – while the entire school doing the same course of works, the same pe, the same exams. despite their efforts outside the school, how many hours they spent on studying, how many hours i use to keeping up, and work towards, why its different.
then when i was 14-15 i was told to tell my class teacher i had to tell them i had to rest every 120 minutes, cooling off my sensory, taking a break on my own – can be to library, running around my self etc, for 15 minutes. can i do it? he asked. i said i’ll try. but i actualy never told them. the year after i had to be hospitalised, again, which meant i missed another 7 days off school at least. then he sent letter had to hand over to my class teacher. then to headmaster. then everything changes, but yet the same.
Later on in life i learned through the 98 movement, bullies also structurised and systematical, can be resurfaced as those in uniforms or not, those serving as civil servants or not, and needs only a little bit of gaslighting to make a combustion. these, are the worst yet the most succesful of the most strategic bullies leadership. Unfortunately as soon as we normalised it, it is then rooting generation into generation to make a point of how these way had been succesful to reach each goals.
how not to?
i dont know. i am just an observer, remember? i am the insignificant non verbal and often to be called “too sick to continue the entire examl – “too ifnorant and not so clever to understand everything.” But i know genuine froendships, and i learned some of my good friends are the louds one whi speak up before i understand what was going on or before i was able to compose my words to defend myself or those who stopped them to even get close to me.
i also learned some with uniforms also stand uo against the same things we were fighting for, as well as those in the system. So why its so the same recently in england and in Indonesia, where did i do wrong after so ling manage to hid myself between the mundane things and enjoying dojng ligtle things between the big insignificantly significant things?
i dont know.
They never found who raped me.
i still remember what he did.
Asian Jasmine Yoga 